Just a Lonely Traveler in the Night

Dear person out there in the world reading this, probably miles away from here, I am scared. I am absolutely terrified.

Recently I have felt like I am watching my self from the outside. The person I’m seeing in the mirror is heartbroken, and yet the person I feel is numb. I can’t shake the feeling of being sad. Ever. It’s a shadow that follows me everywhere.

I’ve had some recent trouble with guys lately. Last fall I found out the boy I liked for a year and a half knew I liked him and then this January promptly decided to date my cousin.

Then there’s Hawaii dude. If you want to know about that horrifyingly painful adventure please look at my past posts.

And then my latest crush. It was a little baby crush no big deal. It was one of those people who you know you don’t like yet but over time it will become one. And so you know I told my friends no big deal. Here’s the thing he doesn’t go to my school but he’s hoping to next year, so he came to shadow at my school for a day. I was excited to hang out with him and get to catch up in person as we’d only been talking over snapchat and rarely church. And then my best friend flirted with him the whole day and he flirted back. Oh by the way it did end up turning into a crush but then they got together and are now dating so that doesn’t matter now I guess.

It’s just painful. I know I’m young and I have plenty of time but I just want someone to hug me and I can hug. Someone to hold hands with, have my first kiss with, and so forth.

I used to tell myself I don’t need a man I’ll be fine. And I’m not worried about getting a man to take care of me in that sort of way. But I’ve spent so many hours dreaming over an elegant wedding day that I don’t know what to do.

I guess I’ll just stick with it for as long as I need to.

Farewell for now.

When I was a little girl, I always thought that I would grow up to marry someone who I helped make whole. That I would help them become what they could be.

I didn’t think it I would marry a bad boy because he didn’t care or anything like that. I thought I would date and marry someone who was broken that I could slowly help put them back together and we’d be so in love.

How naive.

Now when I say how naive, I don’t mean about love, I mean the rest of it.

As of late I realized love goes two ways. Everyone is broken in one way or another. Or maybe broken is the right word. Maybe cracked is the right word. Either way everyone is cracked somewhere in their life. And when you love someone, maybe they don’t fix you. Maybe they do. I’ve realized I personally have a lot of cracks. I am broken in many places. And in many places I might even been shattered.

Maybe I need someone who I can help heal and they help heal me. Because you go one way and it falls apart.

It’s interesting, love.

Farewell for now.

I’ve learned something this weekend. I’ve learned that you can never rely on anyone to be there for you. Because when it comes down to it no matter how many times someone tells you they will always be there for you, they won’t. And that my lovelies is the cold, hard truth.

This weekend, I had a friend tell me I needed to be less sad when I talked to her.

Here’s the thing. I am not optimistic when it comes to myself. Other people, yeah I can be as encouraging as you need me to be. But when it comes to me, I am a pessimistic person. I am not especially happy and bright, or perky. And I am working on that.

But when I can’t tell you how I really am we aren’t friends. I cannot be around people who won’t be there for me when I know I will always be there for you. Always.

I’ve been having issues with myself lately.

That guy friend I have has ignored me since that one Saturday. And I didn’t even know if I want to be around him at that point. I honest to goodness didn’t know if I could be friends with him if this is what was going to happen.

But I’ve come to terms as of recently about how I’m going to handle this. I’ve decided that I am willing to work for this relationship, even as friends. And I am willing to put in time for him. But he needs to show he’s willing to work too.

He’s a very broken person. I know this. He’s moody, and he just doesn’t care most of the time. He can be cruel and mean. But at the same time talking to him can be so healing for me. And I want to help him get himself together. I want to be someone who can make him happier. And I want to be someone he cares about. So if he’s willing to put in the work and show a littlest hint that he cares about talking to me and keeping me around then I will gladly work for it.

Because he makes me happy. Very happy. I love how I can talk to him about anything, and when he cares about someone he cares a lot. And it’s beautiful. And when he’s happy he spreads it around and makes everyone else happy too and it’s amazing. And he’s creative that’s for sure. And smart and athletic and yeah I think he’s cute.

I guess for now it’s up to him as to wether or not we’ll keep talking.

Farewell for now

So I’m back with words now.

He told me that he was pranking me and my friend was in on it. I was mad at both of them.

And I’m crying now as I write this because my reaction was less than exemplary to say the least.

Okay you have to understand this about me.

I have trust issues due to a toxic friendship that went on for nine years and in its own way continues until today. So if I trust you and you break it I won’t trust you for a long time afterwards.

So I told that to my friend, both of them actually, and also how one of the biggest ways to hurt me is to lie to me. That is one of the ways that if you wanted to stab me through the heart that is how you do it.

And my friend, not the one I have a crush on got super defensive about how it was a joke, and I shouldn’t be so upset.

The one I have a crush on was being quite calm but still going along the lines of it was a joke and I shouldn’t be so hurt.

And I know I may have overreacted a bit, but I still don’t think that telling me that you’re in Hawaii, and got a girlfriend, and for two or three days letting me cry and yet still be strong and supportive, (though of course he didn’t know that part), and then laugh about it later when I trusted you whole heartedly, is something they should’ve done.

I do honestly think she is blaming too much on me because I could’ve and should’ve handled it differently, but this is not something I will allow myself to be blamed for. I will accept responsibility when it’s mine, but other wise no. I should’ve made it known to both of them I have trust issues, and that lying isn’t okay with me, and I should’ve handled the situation differently. But the fact that the situation happened is not to blame on me.

Anyway I have to sleep now, or at least pretend to so Farewell for now

Im writing this at night, about what happened that day. THIS IS REAL AND IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING TO ME IN CURRENT TIME!!

Farewell for now

I am in disbelief.

My friend, who I may or may not have a crush on, was pranking me.

He was never in Hawaii, he never had a girlfriend named Jordan, and even one of my best friends who I would trust with my life was in on it.

I think I’m most hurt bc of the amount of tears I spilt over this for it to be fake. And the fact that he knew I had so many trust issues due to past relationships but still did this anyway. I just… have no words.

I’ll tell the whole story later, when I have words, but Farewell for now

Depressing Poetry No. 13
Please
Come a little bit closer
Please
Let me see your eyes
Your lips
Your smile
Your hair
Your hands
Every line
Every crease
Etched into you
Let me see the details
I’ve noticed for so long
Let me touch what I’ve been wanting for forever
Let me feel
Touch
See
You.
Everything about you.
So I can remember.
For after you go.
Please.

Today was a rollercoaster. May or may not have had my heartbroken. I don’t know yet. I’m kind of in shock if I’m going to be honest. I’m hurting in ways and I don’t know why I am.

So the day started out pretty good actually. I got to talk to my friend (check out last piece) , and I was really enjoying it. I was smiling almost all day.

Approximately 8:00 pm today, I got a text. From my friend. His name is Waffles. But now I can’t even say it or loud. Anyways he surprised me today by telling me he was in Hawaii! He paid for him and his family to go and stay for until his parents want to leave. I thought that was so sweet. But now I’m going to tell you the exact exchanging of words.

So whatcha up to in Hawaii?

Sleeping right now

Oh sorry!

Your good I’m going swimming with a girl I just met.

A girl I met. That phrase caused me in the blink of an eye to go from a smiling ray of sunshine if I do say myself, to someone who can’t even force themselves to smile. As I’m writing this I’m having trouble focusing, or even finding the right words to even say. I’m kind of in shock. Just as I was starting to think I liked him too.

I am really happy for him though. And very proud. So don’t get me wrong when I say I’m still very sad. I don’t want to say heartbroken but I felt like crying all the way home. Then I had multiple things come up so I couldn’t go home so I had to sit through another hour and a half of not crying. It was tough but I’m here and that’s all I can say.

People recently have been asking me how I’m doing. And I’m going to be honest. I don’t know how to answer that anymore. I don’t know if I’m good, or fine, or horrible. It could be any of the above, and it is almost constantly changing.

That’s why, even though I’m not normally a person to search for a moral, clinging on to the semblance that there has to be some meaning of good behind the bad, I would like to leave you with something this time, if anybody is reading this.

First off, if you like someone, let them know how you feel. Now I know this can be hard and seem impossible, believe me I’ve been there. Honestly I don’t know if I ever have confessed to a crush. But I am going to start trying to, and though I’m bad at taking my own advice, I want to encourage you to tell them. Therefore you can never watch your crush get snatched up by someone else. Please don’t let it happen to you.

Second off, I want to encourage you to maybe start a blog like this. I’m here because I need a place to keep my thoughts, and emotions. This helps me calm down when it comes to real life. This is why none of my friends know this site is mine, though I’m sure they’d recognize it in an instance, because some of what I say to you, dear reader, are things not even they know. So I thank you for allowing such anonymity.

Thank you, Farewell for now

I learned a word today. Concupiscible, adj., meaning worthy of desire. And if you don’t know how to pronounce that don’t worry I don’t either. But it started a quite lengthy train of thought in my head. I was also listening to one of my favorite artists as of late, Anson Seabra.

I can tell you there is a connection between the two. They both ask me an important question I’ve been struggling with lately. Am I concupiscible? To be quite honest I don’t know. I personally don’t see myself as beautiful. I know I’m prettier than other people, physically at least, but I don’t think I’m pretty inside or out. Everyone always says, “it’s what’s on the inside that counts!”, as if that’s supposed to give me some sort of comfort. I don’t believe I have a good personality. I don’t truly think I look good in a dress. Or anything really. And I honestly don’t feel like I can say anything because I don’t want to sound as if I’m fishing for compliments but here I am still hurting.

I also had another revelation lately. There’s this guy I met through my best friend (her old best friend) and he’s really nice. Normally I wouldn’t say nice when I’m talking about someone but I haven’t been able to talk to him a lot lately. His job is only during the winter but it keeps him busy all day, and somedays he won’t be able to talk to me for a few days. And I’m trying to be understanding because it’s not like he’s purposefully ignoring me and he talks to me when he can I just miss the attention of knowing someone wants to talk to me. We also haven’t met in person. Now the problem here isn’t that I might be getting cat fished because I know I’m not but I’m starting to get feelings for someone I not only can’t talk to everyday, but I’ve also never met in person.

I do get hurt somewhat easily and it is something I’m working on, I just don’t do well when I can’t talk to someone a lot. Especially when it’s someone I care about, and it’s dance season at my school so I’m also very lonely as of late. The trouble is understanding that he can’t always talk to me. And I can’t always talk back. I keep wanting to call him but I don’t have the courage to ask. It’s just hard. But I am working through it.

Lately one of my biggest struggles is being optimistic. I do truly want to be, I just don’t know how. I personally am just not an optimistic person. I can be pessimistic at times but I am neither a pessimist, nor an optimist, nor the other common option, a realist. I just exist with my emotions, and beliefs making my way in the world.

I might come back with some poetry but Farewell for now.

I have been so thrown off lately, due to a series of events that hit me very hard. But the most important part of me that has recently overtaken me in multiple ways is my loneliness. The common definition is the feeling of being alone. For me though, loneliness merely means the feeling of being detached from the world and other people.

Most people would say at this point, “but those are the same things! Feeling alone and feeling detached from the world! They’re simply the same thing!” Let me sure you. They aren’t. See I am not alone. I rarely am. I have enough friends for me to be satisfied, and I have a family that’s together and loves each other. But I still feel detached.

It’s hard to get close with my friends because either they go to a different school, or we don’t have a ton of classes together. It just feels very distant these days. They all have their own lives to get to, and many of them are getting boyfriends, or at the very least guys who are interested in them. I am very glad they have their own lives I just don’t feel as if I can really talk to them anymore as much as I should be able to. And I have a relatively normal family, but we are also very distant. For example, I love my family and of course see them every day but I don’t think I could tell you any of theirs favorite colors without completely guessing.

I really do hope I’m not sounding like a brat in this but this is something that’s been hurting me a lot lately. I have a cousin named (for purpose of anonymous characters) Elizabeth. She goes to my school and she’s amazing. Now for the purpose of this story you must know about Cute Guy, as he’s known to my friends. I liked him all of last school year and I thought he was so nice and sweet. Then this year came and I tried and I tried to not like him but as you may know feelings don’t just stop.

Yesterday night, I was at McDonalds with a different cousin, let’s call her Kaci, (Elizabeth is our mutual cousin) , and she brought up the dance. And she was so excited because turns out Elizabeth is going to the dance with Cute Guy, and they have a “thing” whatever that is.

Im kind of heartbroken. There isn’t a lot to say. I’ve just been so sad about everything lately I don’t even know if I want to go to the dance. All my church friends (I’m a Christian) were telling me how sadness is a spirit and not to listen to it and it drove me insane. Maybe some feelings aren’t a choice Rebecca. Wish me luck!

Farewell for now.