Hello

I learned a word today. Concupiscible, adj., meaning worthy of desire. And if you don’t know how to pronounce that don’t worry I don’t either. But it started a quite lengthy train of thought in my head. I was also listening to one of my favorite artists as of late, Anson Seabra.

I can tell you there is a connection between the two. They both ask me an important question I’ve been struggling with lately. Am I concupiscible? To be quite honest I don’t know. I personally don’t see myself as beautiful. I know I’m prettier than other people, physically at least, but I don’t think I’m pretty inside or out. Everyone always says, “it’s what’s on the inside that counts!”, as if that’s supposed to give me some sort of comfort. I don’t believe I have a good personality. I don’t truly think I look good in a dress. Or anything really. And I honestly don’t feel like I can say anything because I don’t want to sound as if I’m fishing for compliments but here I am still hurting.

I also had another revelation lately. There’s this guy I met through my best friend (her old best friend) and he’s really nice. Normally I wouldn’t say nice when I’m talking about someone but I haven’t been able to talk to him a lot lately. His job is only during the winter but it keeps him busy all day, and somedays he won’t be able to talk to me for a few days. And I’m trying to be understanding because it’s not like he’s purposefully ignoring me and he talks to me when he can I just miss the attention of knowing someone wants to talk to me. We also haven’t met in person. Now the problem here isn’t that I might be getting cat fished because I know I’m not but I’m starting to get feelings for someone I not only can’t talk to everyday, but I’ve also never met in person.

I do get hurt somewhat easily and it is something I’m working on, I just don’t do well when I can’t talk to someone a lot. Especially when it’s someone I care about, and it’s dance season at my school so I’m also very lonely as of late. The trouble is understanding that he can’t always talk to me. And I can’t always talk back. I keep wanting to call him but I don’t have the courage to ask. It’s just hard. But I am working through it.

Lately one of my biggest struggles is being optimistic. I do truly want to be, I just don’t know how. I personally am just not an optimistic person. I can be pessimistic at times but I am neither a pessimist, nor an optimist, nor the other common option, a realist. I just exist with my emotions, and beliefs making my way in the world.

I might come back with some poetry but Farewell for now.